Inhuman

For the past few weeks, Jelly has developed a worsening habit of reaching out and grabbing my hand as I go by.  I know what it is - he needs human contact, reassurance, comfort of some sort that only touch can give him.  He needs someone to sit with him, hold his hand, tell him that he's not alone...

...and I can't do it.  I just can't.  In fact, it creeps me out.

I must be fucking inhuman.

I want to - I really do - I'd love to be able to sit with him and comfort him, to help him through this more than I do.  He's a good man, and I love him more than I loved anyone in my own family with the exception of my father.  Why I can't give him that simple comfort is a mystery - I just know its beyond me, and I don't know why.

It's funny - we can talk about his dying, and we do.  I don't shy away from that, and I don't hold back when he asks me how I feel about certain things, or what my opinion is.  I can talk without flinching about how it's going to be from what I know from past experience, and I can reassure him that I'll take care of him to the best of my ability, and that he won't have to go into a hospital or a hospice - that he can stay where he's most comfortable, and I will be there until the end.

And I will.  I can do that.

What I can't do, what even drives me away, is the idea of sitting quietly with a dying man and holding his hand so that he has some contact with another human being - something that most of us need at the best of times, much less at the worst.  I can't do it, and I hate myself for it.

So - he's driven to clutching at me and hanging onto me whenever I get near enough for him to do so, and I know it makes him feel abandoned, literally abandoned, for me to tolerate it for a second of so before pulling away and making busy work for myself...and you always know when someone is just tolerating your touch.  We humans are very keen to sense that.

And, so, I'm letting him down and hurting him when he needs me...and I can't seem to do a thing about it.

Not real proud of myself lately.