Stranded in Motion

That I am in motion, metaphorically-speaking, after a looong period of dormant torment is obvious, but - what direction am I moving in?

I can't remember a time when I've experienced my mind being so cloudy, so unable to plan and decide.  As old patterns start to make themselves known, loosen up, and unravel, I've yet to see new - hopefully healthier - patterns being born.  I feel like a line I am freely paraphrasing written by Edna St. V Millay (my favorite poet):  "...without myself, I spend/long days that have no meaning/and no end..."

I've never been afraid before.  Not really - I've been able, so far, to handle anything Life!'s thrown at me, so I don't see why I feel vulnerable now.  In giving up these patterns, I've, also, given up the security, no matter how false it was, they lent me.  The seductive Devil I know...

I'm sure if I had done all of this during my adolescence like normal people do, I wouldn't be in the place I am right now...