First Church of the Enlightened Bipedal Disaster

This is a crock of shit.  The thing that makes it such a steaming crock of shit is that it's legal.  Yep - I'm an ordained  minister.  I can perform weddings, baptisms and, I suppose, exorcisms all nicety-nice and legal...if I weren't pretty sure that God would send a flock of rabid crows to peck me to death if I did, but - that's beside the point.

However, I would like to announce my most spectacular First Church of the Enlightened Bipedal Disaster.  Anyone who wants to join only needs to send me the true, and unabridged, story of why they qualify to be a true bipedal disaster, their vow of undying devotion, and $25 for me to spend for them at Cripple Creek on the cheap-assed nickel slots.  In return, I'll send you a certificate stating that you are, indeed, a fucking disaster who really deserves to belong to a church run by me.

"Jesus loves me this I know
'Cuz he gave me polio
And he made my Mom a whore
Who lives at the liquor store....
EVERYBODY NOW!....."

Oh, I am so going to Hell if I don't change my ways...